You trip and fall to your death.
Critical fail, you swallow a knife and it explodes.
"As the assassin foolishly tries to slide down the gravelly side of the mountain, he trips and slits his throat on his knife. He’s dead. Anyone else want to do anything stupid?"
"You somehow determine that the golem is made of bacon.”
"You go to search the body, but manage instead to trigger the bear trap. I’m rolling damage now."
"You shoot your unconscious bleeding cleric, roll damage. Don’t forget your favored enemy bonus."
"You fail to notice the pit in front of you as you direct your horse to walk into it."
"The mugger then proceeds to shoot his friend in the foot"
"the opponent sneezes and accidentally stabs himself to death"
"You try to pick the door, but the door picks you. You’ve been impaled."
"You let go of the bow instead of its string, and it hits you in the face before falling at your feet."
me: can i just pretend like i totally meant to do that
//rolls a nat 20 on a bluff check
"Everyone totally saw that but it looked like you completely meant to do that."
"You try to wake the unconscious child up, and sink him into an indefinite magical coma."
"You walked in twenty minutes ago, and only just noticed that the man you’re negotiating with is sitting in an enormous bowl of jelly beans."
And, last but certainly not least.
"You try to knock the vial out of his hands, and instead punch a hole in the hull of the ship. The atmosphere explosively decompresses. Congratulations, you just killed more than half the party during a milk run."
"You hear nothing. What explosion?"
You trip and fall on a flower. There is a nuclear explosion.
"You fall into a puddle and get pulled down by the souls of the dammed." My DM for you.
The potion’s glass vial breaks as you try to recover, slitting you on the inside.
You trip on the gold hoard and right in front of the dragon. the dragon explodes for no reason
My dating life.
After fighting a group of orcs our barbarian tossed one of the bodies in a bonfire after finding no loot.
Cleric: Yes, the DEYVAH is pleased with our offing.
Barbarian: Your God let’s you burn people?
(Barbarian starts tossing other corpses in fire)
(cleric starts chanting words of praise to Deyvah)
Barbarian: I love religion!
Between this and the story about him reassuring F. Scott Fitzgerald re dick size, I’m developing a picture of Hemingway as the mother hen of the disaffected white male literary set of the early 20th century.
He probably called up Steinbeck sometimes and was like I CAN’T EVEN WITH THESE DIPSHITS and Steinbeck was all “That’s what you get for living in Paris, asshole”.